I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage and babies. Am I even close to getting engaged or, God forbid, pregnant? Absolutely not. However, seemingly everyone else in the world is getting engaged or married or having a baby. All the Instagram posts make me feel behind somehow.

When we were kids, someone taught us that there’s a sequence that life follows. I don’t know who exactly it was — perhaps our parents or our teachers. As you grow up, you go to school. Once you’re seventeen, you’re supposed to know exactly what you want to do for the rest of your life. You go to a good college, get good grades, and then get a good job. All the while, you’re supposed to have met your soulmate so you have enough reasonable time to then get married by the age of, probably, twenty-five. You’ll have a kid a year or two later. There’s a white picket fence and a golden retriever somewhere in the equation.

All of this for the low low price of your sanity and true happiness, and you’re set for the traditional life.

I’m twenty-six years old, and I’m starting over. My life has never fallen into step with the timeline, anyway. I graduated from high school in 2017 and attended a community college for a year before I moved to my dream school in 2018. I spent four years at that school despite my transfer credits, and I wouldn’t do it differently if I had to do it again. I didn’t have a high school sweetheart, nor did I fall madly in love in college. There have been people that I perhaps could’ve fallen in love with, but I’m thankful that I didn’t. I found a myriad of ways to fall in love with myself. That’s what matters to me.

In my life, I’ve been a photographer, a writer, a reporter, a customer service associate, a waitress, and unemployed. I’ve been passionate and determined, but I’ve also been disappointed and unmotivated. I’ve attended three colleges for three separate programs and overall have studied more than four different subjects. All of this to say, I have so much education that I don’t really know what to do with it. I am immensely grateful that I got the opportunity to go to college even once and learn what I’m passionate about.

The problem lies in that I don’t know which of my many subjects I find the most enthralling. Simply put, I don’t know what I want to do. And it’s ridiculously difficult to get a job in professional fields. How are we expected to have years of experience fresh out of college? I’m not one of those people who’s had four internships or has connections all over the place. I wish I were. My life at current would be a lot easier that way. This piece is not meant to be a dumping ground of complaints, though I could complain about how the perfect timeline promises a good job, and we were duped by it.

I’ve been a dreamer for as long as I can remember. Seriously. When I was a child, I used to tell my dad that I didn’t sleep a wink because I was in the middle of some fantastical universe. I was dreaming vividly enough that little me was convinced it was real. I’ve wanted so many things in this life and time after time, I’ve been told no. I would never do that. I wasn’t good enough for that. That’s too far out of reach. You’ll never make money doing that.

To hell with no. With out of reach. With you’re not good enough.

I am going to make a very beautiful life for myself. I don’t have a partner, or the prospect of an engagement. I don’t plan to get pregnant any time soon, or possibly ever. When I’m in the right place, and I’ve got the means, I’ll adopt. Currently, my life may look like six to eight hours of job applications a day. It might be stressful and strenuous on my brain to say, “hello, this is me, please give me a chance,” a million times over. Eventually, though, someone is going to say yes. They will give me a chance, and it’ll be the smartest decision they’ve ever made.

I’m anxious, and I’m probably going to have a meltdown weekly. Jumping head first into a new life is bold, but it’s also unsteady. I’ve never been good with unsteady, though I think most of my life has been such. I’m not going to be a coward. I’m going to give myself every chance I can get because then someone will, too. No dream is too big for me. I will not be afraid.

Timeline be damned, I will live a big life. The one I’ve dreamed of, even though the picture of it has changed more than a few times. I’ve definitely broken the rules. I’ve damned the timeline to another realm of existence. My big, beautiful life isn’t confined by any means. All of my somedays are becoming todays.