For as long as I can remember, I’ve been writing stories. What began as scribbles in spiral notebooks transformed into an obsession with being an author. This dream has always seemed unattainable — sitting high in the clouds, holding its hand out to me even so. I desperately type away at Google Docs, pin aesthetic photos on Pinterest boards, and daydream about these fictional people who only reside in my mind. I’ve held on to my characters with care, but apparently not enough because I never finish the draft.

Between my multiple Gmail accounts, I don’t even think I could count how many half-baked ideas I’ve left untouched. I’m not sure if I want to, either. From fantasy worlds, to sports romances, to coming of age stories, I’ve attempted it all. Yet, the only thing I’ve actually finished borderlines on a fanfiction-esque short story after watching the Dickinson show.

Scene ideas come to me late at night, my characters like ghosts haunting my psyche. I miss them as people I used to know and love. At around 2 o’clock the other morning, half asleep, dialogue for the moment my two main characters come back together smacked me in the face. I had to wake up and quickly jot in down on my notes app. I haven’t touched the fantasy romance story in weeks, or more probably, months. Despite that, I made a Pinterest board for a new idea that came after listening to a Taylor Swift song on the drive home the other day. I am constantly plagued by stories I can’t bring myself to tell.

So, this begs the question, why not? Why are these ideas falling away, only remaining half written, or worse, not written at all?

Perhaps it’s imposter syndrome. I surround myself with excellent novels written by talented people. I’ve read some of my favorite books ever this year and last. Emily Henry digs deep into my brain and heart to tell her romances. The Magnolia Parks series lives rent-free in my mind. Even the YA fantasy novels on my shelves give me such joy.

I read all of these magnificent stories and wonder why I can’t do that — I’ve been trying forever. I feel like Charlotte York when she was drunkenly whining about why she can’t find “the one” even though she’s been dating since she was 15. Clearly, I have plenty of ideas! And I know I’m a decent writer. Not only that, but I’ve come so far with my writing skills in the past few years. I have all the skills to make this happen, but it hasn’t yet.

Every so often, I wonder if I make my plots too complicated to come to fruition. I’ve loved fantasy books since I was a kid, but every idea I’ve had, I give up on. I have so many dreamt up ideas, elaborately decorated on Pinterest, and plotted in my Notion. Fantasy is a, pun intended, fantastic vessel for coming of age stories, or gorgeous sprawling romances.

Romantasy (romantic fantasy) is my favorite genre, though I know it’s probably the most difficult to write. I could hone in my world building, or simplify my plots, but I would rather not water down my creativity for the sake of writing the book. I wouldn’t want to give a half-assed story to the world, either. The book that I actually finish needs to mean something — not only to me, but to the reader.

Storytelling has been an important way for me to process personal experiences. Whether it’s a poem, or a short story, or the scraps of a book in progress, there are pieces of me carefully woven into it. Reading also helps me to feel less alone. That’s what I want to be able to give people: reassurance that they aren’t alone in this world or in their experiences. Sure, the main character might have powers, but they’re still going through something similar to someone in this realm of existence.

I don’t have an answer to this question, so maybe you feel like reading this was pointless. I hope you don’t, though, or possibly, you can relate. Putting these thoughts on paper was my first step, I think. I can problem-solve from here. I’ll deep dive into the Google Doc graveyard and see what story, I still think, is worth telling. I bet I’ll be surprised what I find.

(If you’ve read this ramble and have any advice, feel free to drop it in the comments. We can all learn & grow together.)